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Above: Anthrax, still at large in small provincial mid-west towns, probably in the same places they hold those Monster Truck things. |
believed extinct since the mid to late 1980s
Filed by A. Shanks
Local people were left in a state of panic, as Anthrax fever gripped the area. Schools, hospitals and record stores were evacuated as the news spread yesterday.
“I was stunned,” said local man Frank Sandwich, a third year science student at the local university. “When I first bought the ticket I thought I was going to see ‘Anthrax’, the bacteria spores I'd heard so much about, for a night of genetic wonder & ingenuity. Imagine my shock and disgust when I discovered that it was the 1980s metal band of the same name who were playing the local hall, paid for with my tax dollars. At once I called the FBI and went home to be with my family.”
Federal law enforcement officials have confirmed the mixup and have made public some of their investigation.
“We believe a local concert promotions company accidently booked washed up rockers ‘Anthrax’ to play the Bowl-U-Like last night, instead of the nationally popular, and similarly named deadly bacterial spores, ‘Anthrax’. This is a deplorable error, leaving local people, many of them quite young, open to being infected by this throwback to the disgusting 80s, a time we thought we’d all left behind us.
“We, like the rest of the great American public, we under the impression that the metal band Anthrax had been eradicated somewhere in the late 80s. Who was to know they could reappear in such a devastating form.”
Indeed, many people believed that Anthrax were no longer around, gone the way of Saxon and Kiss. It is now believed that this erroneous view was propagated by MTV.
“This is a serious embarrassment for MTV,” Anthrax (bacteria) expert Todd Cash told us.
“MTV knew for many years that they were releasing album after album. It now appears that MTV were sent rock videos, promotional CDs, free tickets and other Anthrax merchandise, and still failed to mention their continued existence, even in passing, on screen. If MTV had alerted us to information in their possession for many years this whole mess could have been prevented.
“They could have warned us and saved all this hassle. To make matters worse it appears that Anthrax (musical combo) is working it's way throughout the country, with 70s scourge Judas Priest!”
The Centre for Disease Control has put out a statement to allay any fears members of the pubic may have.
“We would advice people to stay well away from any mullets or tie-dyed clothing. Anthrax may appear anywhere, at a Truck Pull, or even your local Ice Rink. We would ask that extra vigilance be exercised in the vicinity of rocker bars in the evenings. These place are breeding grounds for the likes of Anthrax, so we would ask people to be extra vigilant in this time of war.”