Above: An Irish Government public information poster, on the dangers of sexual congress.

Ireland goes to the ballot box this week, to decide on a constitutional amendment concerning the vexed issue of sex.

The proposed twenty fifth amendment to the Irish constitution is the result of months of public consultation, Dail and Seanad committee work, and painstaking legal examination. It aims to clear up the doubt surrounding sexual intercourse, which has been left in a grey area since the XXX case of 1982.

In the XXX case, the Irish Supreme Court made the controversial discovery that sex was not illegal after all, but was actually encouraged in one passage of the 1937 constitution, where diagrams showed how to carry out a sex act and piece of writing in Eamonn DeValera’s own hand said “I’ve had sex, so should you.” This startled the Irish right-wing, and the head scarf industry.

The government of the day responded swiftly by granting women the right, nay, the privilege to travel abroad for sex, rather than having it at home. Posters went up, with pictures of men wielding large knives with the slogan “Can you really trust an Irishman anyway”, and advertising campaigns in national newspapers ran with slogans such as “Why risk it here, when you can sort it out over there & get some duty free for the old man” and “F**k the Brits for Ireland”

Conservatives have long been concerned by the scale of moral decline in Ireland, which they believe began with the introduction of the notion of sex into the country by Fine Gael. While a blind eye was turned to travelling abroad for sex, it was forbidden in Ireland for generations. With the introduction of “The Sexual (An Canoodaliocht) Act, 1973”, sex was permissible with a doctors note, or with the blessing of a priest.

The increase in sex continued, and even with the current legal dilemma, is now nearly an accepted part of Irish life. It is not unknown for sex to be had several times a year, by fashionable couples in places like Dublin’s trendy “Cabra” area, or ulta-hip towns such as Athlone or Scurvy. This has led to some public figures speaking out.

The Referendum Explained
YES	If you vote Yes, the offending pages of the constitution will be replaced by a series of pages with pictures of flowers, bunnies and lambs. The words “Everything’s Okay” will feature in both Irish and English, and a pop-up DeValera will be included along with a speech bubble reading “Go on, take a cold shower”. The not having of sex will not no longer still be illegal and women will be expected to travel to England for orgasms. TV3 will give RTE back the rights to showing Coronation Street.
NO	If you vote No, then the first born of every family will be slaughtered, the country will be branded with the mark of the beast and Satan himself will walk the land. The not having of sex will not no longer still be illegal and women will be expected to travel to England by the evil forces of liberalism. Darts will be televised nightly.

“The having of sex has a direct correlation with the population increase, the growing crime rate, the violence in the north, the murder of Veronica Guerin, the disappearance of Shergar and radon levels in populated areas,” says Bishop Randy O’Keefe.

Other church leaders are not as strong in their condemnation.

“Times have changed,” so says Bishop Frank Ginger, presenter of Dublin 96FM’s nightly show, Speaking Frankly.

“Sure, The Church still has these ideas, and , yes, they are central to our faith, but there’s no need to actually tell people,” he says, “That’s the new side to The Church, mysterious and, yes, sexy too.”