President Bush fainted and fell off a couch on Sunday night after choking on a pretzel while watching a televised football game, but a subsequent medical examination showed he was fine, his doctor said. (Reuters)

Above: Silvio Berlosconi presenting UK Prime Minister Tony Blair with a small confused man, at an EU Council of Ministers meeting last week.

French Head of State, Jacques Chirac, is listed in critical condition at Hopital Henri IV, on the outskirts of Paris, following a double amputation. M. Chirac was spreading paté while watching rugby on Canal+ when the mishap occurred. Leaning over to pick up a renegade olive M. Chirac succeeded in entangling himself in a length of piano wire, cutting off circulation to his legs as France conceded a late penalty try. French winger Christophe Dominici was said to be "gutted" since it was his error that cost "les Bleus" a precious away victory — and Gallic supremo Chirac two of his favourite limbs.

German ubermensch Gerhard Schroeder meanwhile is fighting for life today following a bratwurst inferno at his Berlin office. The chancellor, who had fixed himself a sausage sandwich, crunched together his rye bread faster than is advisable given our atmospheric conditions on Planet Earth, generating sparks which quickly ignited the grease on Herr Schroeder's bratwurst. The subsequent fire, in an unfortunate reprise of German history, burnt down the new parliament building. Coalition partners the Green party are holding a knitting and embroidery vigil by their stricken leader's bedside, set to lobby for contra-carnivore legislation as soon as he revives.

In Italy President Silvio Berlosconi, watching AC Milan go down 2-1 to Parma while flipping a pizza base, temporarily lost consciousness when, dismayed by a late penalty decision, Signor Berlosconi neglected to catch the falling dough. Denied oxygen for some minutes Signor Berlosconi is now said to possess the mental ability of a three year old, a 50% drop in intellectual capacity say observers.

UK PM Tony Blair was unavailable for comment as this report reached the wires but it is understood that British emergency services are being put on the highest level of alert this evening, as Mr Blair is expected to make a Pot Noodle while watching the World Darts Championship.