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Above: President Bush and his top officials plan to leave evildoers in a state of confusion |
Citizens stockpile wigs, spectacles, snorkels
Filed by Fin Keegan
WASHINGTON, 2:30 pm EST -- Having bid Godspeed to top brass heading for the Afghan theater this lunchtime President George W. Bush today unveiled his latest plan to protect the American public from Islamic terrorist threats. “We’re putting the entire nation into the Federal Witness Protection Program,” Bush announced in an address to the American public from the John Wayne Screening Room in the basement of the White House.
“All citizens and eligible Resident Aliens will be issued with new identities and moved to undisclosed locations across the length and depth of this great nation.”
Wall Street responded to the news with a record-breaking rally in share prices, while brokers gave each other high-fives and passed around dog-eared travel brochures. Political commentators, particularly those in high-profile media organizations, endorsed the President’s plan enthusiastically. The feelings of mail-room staffers are unknown at this hour but industry watchers predict a decisive vote swing to the GOP in that electoral segment.
In other news FBI agents are said to be watching carefully a 500 foot high ocean wave traveling at speed towards the United States. Meteorologists are expecting the wave to wipe out the Eastern seaboard at approximately 4:15pm EST this afternoon. However, “we don't want to jump to conclusions”, a Bureau spokesman told this reporter. “This may have nothing to do with fundamentalist evildoers. We may be simply looking at a freak maritime event here.”
[more stories by Fin Keegan]