#clog

You just can’t make this up.

Michael “Looney Loyalist” Stone, he of the recent “I am here to kill Gerry Adams” visit to Stormont, has said (via his solicitor) that his sojourn to the hill equipped with nothing but his wit (and an axe, a garrot, some guns and a handful of nailbombs) was not an attempted terrorist attack but in fact a piece of performance art replicating a terrorist attack.

Well, were any of us expecting that as a defence? What next, the Omagh bombing being hailed as an artistic commentary on the commercialisation of our society? Bloody Sunday, a cubist rejection of 1960s peace and love?

Undoubtedly Stone’s murder of six people, for which he got a prison sentence of nearly 700 years, was a complete misunderstanding then, with his appearance at the funeral of the three IRA members, who had been shot by the SAS in Gibraltar, in which he shot the place up was simply his expression of man’s inhumanity to man, using a sawn-off shotgun as his brush and the people in Milltown Cemetery as his canvas.

This isn’t Stone’s first foray into art though. After his early release as part of the Good Friday Agreement, he famously appeared in the Late Late show, showing Pat Kenny what a reformed character he was, painting pretty pictures and such. More recently one of his paintings has been offered on eBay for nearly £10,000.

This new “War as Art” idea could be just the thing to get DUP bigwigs Ian Paisley Jnr and Jeffrey Donaldson out of their latest spot of bother over a series of emails between themselves and convicted loyalist killer Kenny “Pastor” McClinton. In the emails, McClinton implies that actions he took, including a murder in May 1977, were in direct support of Ian Paisly Snr’s strike of 1977, making a connection between Loyalism and the DUP that the DUP haven’t been quick to deny.

The DUP, who have difficulty sitting in the same room as people from Sinn Fein (who have already stated that the “war is over”), have had no problem with the son of their glorious leader saying to McClinton that “We couldn’t kill them but we can destroy them and their ideology.” I didn’t realise the DUP were trying to kill anyone, thanks for clearing that one up Ian. Great to see you guys sticking to your guns, as it were, and not talking to terrorists.

Perhaps Ian and Jeffrey could just enter their “email as art” piece for next years turner prize? They would be head-to-head with Stone’s tour-de-force though, and you know what he’s like about surrendering.

As they say, I don’t know much about art, but I know what I like. And I don’t like any of these muppets very much at all.